simple small groups

Developing Connection with a Guys Group

I know it’s cliché but most men are more “doers” than “processors” -  which means the average guy would rather do an activity with another guy than sit in a café and discuss their feelings. Most of us who lead small groups are process-guys, which would explain why we like coffee shops and don’t mind talking about how we feel. With all that being said, here are some things you can do with guys to help them connect.

 

• Watch sports or go to a game together. Many guys will talk about challenges at work while eating wings and watching the game. They just need the distraction of sports to help get them to open up.
• Work on a project together. That might mean you help build a deck, cut down a tree, or hang siding. Even if you’re all thumbs, if your friend is handy, you can hold the tools.
• Go to a show together. No, not a Broadway show – but a boat show, a car show, or a gun and knife show. Some type of show where you walk around, look at “manly” stuff, and talk.
• Go to a Coffee shop and talk. OK, I just told you lots of guys don’t want to do that. But keep in mind all guys aren’t the same. Some guys hunt, some guys hunt for good deals at the outlet mall. Some guys can’t verbalize their feelings and some guys can. But nearly every guy likes coffee. So sit at a coffee shop with a couple of guys and see what happens.
• Grill something together. Steaks or hot dogs – it doesn’t matter. Standing around a grill, while overcooking meat, get’s more guys to open up about life than nearly any other context.
• Serve together. This is essentially the same as working on a project together but this time you’re all serving someone else out. Instead of helping out a buddy, you’re helping out someone in need.

 

Those are several ways you can build community OUTSIDE of your normal group time.

 

What the Small Groups Movement Needs

Depending on how you keep track, small groups, as an identified ministry within the church, has been around for approximately 40 years. Somewhere in the 1970s it showed up after a millennium-and-a-half hiatus. Sure, there were variations on the home-gathering theme through the centuries but we didn't use the term "small group" to identify a gathering of disciples until I was born (the timing is a coincidence). Since that time groups has fought for respect, a seat at the ministry table, and relevance in the broader church landscape. It got it. Regardless of size, style, or age of congregation more and more churches are implementing small groups. 

Having said that, I think small groups as a distinguished ministry in the church, is at a crossroads. Sunday School enjoyed about 150 years of respect before people started threatening to kick it to the curb. Church leaders won't be as patient with small groups. For the last decade many small groups ministries have over-promised and under-delivered. Not the majority. But some. This has lead a few pastors to suggest we "euthanize" small groups. For now such an opinion is in the irrelevant minority. But that won't last as sordid stories of small group implosion and failure circulate. So what needs to happen for small groups to thrive for 150 years? In my humble opinion here are six suggestions for the small groups movement:

1. We need professors. Would someone to get a PhD in education and help lay the research-based foundation of small groups? We have far too many books and articles that are hearsay, anecdotes, and inspiration but not rooted in reality. One popular book on groups was written with only 30% of the author's church in the program. Hardly a note-worty trend. We could really use research that helps us improve! So, would a few of you go to a state university (not a seminary that is already biased), get a PhD and come back and help us? I recommend Michigan State University - Go Sparty!
2. We need Senior and Executive Pastors. Want to know why nearly every church has a youth pastor? Because nearly every senior pastor started out as a youth pastor. There's nothing wrong with that, but it would help the small group team if some of you would jump up a level or two and lead and preach with the underlying assumption that we were designed for Christian community. What if some of us who were completely captivated with Acts 2 preached it, organized staff around it, and lived it. I'd listen to your podcasts.
3. We need theological articulation. Yes, we have Acts 2 (I just mentioned that) but we need good writers who can exegete scripture, understand layers of theology, and love church history to explain, defend, and champion the cause of 10-20 people who meet for fellowship, to become like Jesus, and live missional lives. There's a lot of scripture that speaks of God's dream of community so let's hear it (and preach it)!
4. We need a common shared language. We're pretty close to this, actually. But I'm jealous of Sunday School (by the way, I oversee our Sunday School ministry :-)). For a century and a half it had the same name. "ABF" showed up later. But We have groups, clusters, communities, clubs...we have leaders, facilitators, helpers, journeymen (OK I mad that last one up). Diversity is fun but a shared language would be cool. Let's just commission Bill Donahue, Carl George, and Lyman Coleman to take care of this for us.
5. We need honest assessment. There are some things small groups do very, very well. And there are other things small groups do poorly. Let's be honest. Let's assess and set up small groups to do what small groups do best. How can they hope to be the family of God, reach out to the lost, disciple the immature, serve the needy, and deploy during church emergencies by meeting for two hours every-other week. Not going to happen even if you say it in a book. 
6. We need next generation leaders. We need men and women in their 20s and early 30s who bleed and lead. The last large small groups conference I attended could have been a convention for the AARP (no offense to you all). I felt young and I'm not - I just look it ;-). I know this is already happening in movements like Acts29 but it would be sweet to see younger and older leaders/pastors hang out together, collaborate together, and  learn from one another.

 

OK, that's my...er..."six cents"...I hope I inspire someone to do something.

Building Community Outside "Normal" Group Time

Often we try to cram our small group into the allotted group time. We meet once a week for two hours and expect our group to become a tight-nit family. That's not probably going to happen if your group only gets together for normal group time. So how do you help people connect with one another outside of the official group meeting? Here are a few simple tips:

• Attend the same church service and sit together
• Create an email distribution list or Facebook page and maintain an electronic conversation 
• Serve together in children's ministry
• Meet at a coffee shop together
• Eat an exotic or off-beat restaurant together
• Watch a movie together and discuss it over dinner
• Split up into foursomes and meet in smaller groups for dinner
• Do a service project together
• Go on a mission trip together

Cultivating a Heart for Others: Recovering your Missional Edge

There are three patterns of a healthy group: Connecting with one another (the RELATIONAL pattern), Changing to be like Christ (the GROWTH pattern), and Cultivating a heart for others (the MISSIONAL pattern). That last pattern is the most neglected in the typical small group. Many groups do the relationships pretty well and they might even experience some spiritual growth. But they often forget about the most important biblical pattern of a healthy group. So how can you tell if you've lost that "missional feeling?" Here are four tips you have a problem:

1. Listen to the prayer requests. Are they are all about personal stuff but never about the friend or neighbor who needs Christ?
2. Does your group get excited about fun social stuff but never serve? If you can plan parties and picnics but not service opportunities you have probably lost your missional edge.
3. Does your group likes to study Bible but doesn't focus on how to share Biblical truths with others outside the group? Do you study for the sake of personal improvement but not to pass along to others what you've learned?
4. Listen for complaint. If your group complains about how messed up world is or what they don't like about the church service you know you need to work on the missional edge. The world has always been broken. Our conversations should be about how to expand the Gospel message not what's wrong in the world!

If you want to fix the problem start with number one: work on your prayers. Encourage your prayer time to be focused on lost friends and family. Spend more time praying for missionaries, mission trips, and opportunities to share the Gospel. Have each person name one person they feel spiritually burdened for. If you recover the missional pattern in your prayers you will soon see it come alive in your group!

 

Koinonitis

When I was a kid there was a "Christian" jazz band called "Koinonia." My ten-year-old brain figured it was just a creatively clever name for spiritual elevator muzak (no offense to those of you who knew and loved the band). Little did I know then that "koinonia" is the Greek work for "fellowship." In the New Testament fellowship was characterized by family-like friendships of mutual care and concern. Those early days Christians learned to rely on each other. They challenged each other to grow closer to Jesus. Yes, they shared food. But for our spiritual ancestors fellowship was much more than food.

By the twentieth century fellowship became the label on a room. As a matter of fact, my church has two fellowship halls. We call them FH1 and FH2. Pretty clever, huh? For most church folk "fellowship" is another word for potluck. Forget about deep connection or accountability. Fellowship is too often characterized by bad coffee and styrofoam cups. 

I think we actually suffer from "koinonitis" instead of experiencing koinonia. Yeah, someone might know your name, what you do, maybe even what you like to do for fun. Perhaps even a story or two about your life. But are you known? Do you have a community that knows what makes you tick? What causes you to sin? What you struggle with the most? Or what brings you great joy? And do you know all of that about the people in your community? Do you truly share life with a community or is that simply a cliche you picked up along the way?

Koinonia or Koinonitis?

Family Friendly Small Groups

I lead a "family" group. Between the four families we have 8 adults and 13 children. It makes for a loud evening! We always start out sharing a meal then we send the kids to another part of the house while the adults have a discussion about the Bible. I'l be honest, it's not easy. With 13 kids (and two of them are babies) there is always some yelling, some crying, and some other general interruptions. A couple of weeks ago my daughter, Maggie, who is 11, kept hanging around with the adults. She was pretending to help with the babies but she was actually listening in to the discussion. I didn't mind. As our group concluded with prayer requests I asked someone to volunteer to close in prayer. Since I didn't have any immediate takers I turned to Maggie and asked her to pray for us. I expected her to shyly decline. Instead she shocked me by confidently saying, "OK."

I know I'm biased. But my daughter's prayer was among the great poetic prayers of all time. I'm not saying it was inspired, buy i found it inspiring. Here was an eleven-year-old girl leading adults in prayer. It was beautiful and appropriate. I suspect this sort of thing happened two thousand years ago in Jerusalem. When believers gathered in each others' homes to apply the Apostle's teaching, fellowship, and pray together no doubt children were present. It was natural for children to participate in the spiritual practices of the adults around them. But I'll bet you none of them prayed as well as Maggie!

Small Groups vs. Sunday School

Why can't we all just get along? OK, when Rodney King asked that nearly 20 years ago he meant something else by the question. 

But I ask the question in relation to Sunday School (or whatever your church calls it) and small groups. A few weeks ago I participated in a webinar at Lifeway in Nashville, TN. One of the questions I responded to is how small groups and Sunday school can get along. For the life of me, I can't figure out way there is an adversarial history between the two methods of spiritual growth and community. Both classroom and home-based groups can add value to church and help attenders develop spiritually.  

 John Wesley, is a patron saint of the small groups movement. But he's also a patron saint of classroom learning. I'm fortunate to work at a church that has long enjoyed a healthy relationship between small groups and classroom communities. There are certainly advantages to small groups and advantages to Sunday schools. And each church has to consider which method is best for them. I grew up in a church with only Sunday schools and worked at a church with only small groups. For the last few years I've worked at a church with both. I've a learned a lot through the experience. And most of what I've learned is that there are loads of misconceptions. First of all, most people who are "haters" pick out the worst examples and build a straw-man case against the pathetic class or group. It's better research to compare healthy, strong groups and healthy, strong classes if you're trying to choose.

Two of my friends at Lifeway faced off on this very question. You can check out David Francis and Rick Howerton go ten rounds on this topic here  www.lifeway.com/sundayschoolvssmallgroups/index.html . I like their fake boxing metaphor but I think they should have really put on boxing shorts and gloves and taken some real swings at each other. The entertainment factor would have gone waaaay up!

So what do you think? What's your preference - groups, classes, or both - and why?

Acceptance: A Core Small Group Trait - from The Power of 2

In one of my favorite new books, The Power of 2 by Rodd Wagner and Gale Muller, develop core elements of a great business partnership. What they discover easily applies to small groups. In chapter five they explain the importance of Acceptance. Most people choose to be with people who are a lot like them. There is a problem with that, though. The authors put it this way, "[the problem with like-minded communities] it makes you less likely to create strong ties with those who would bring something you lack to the partnership. Many of the potential collaborators you need most are those who will be, because of their difference from you, most difficult to learn to accept. You don't need an identical twin as much as you need an opposite..." This harkens back to Genesis 1 and 2 if I'm not mistaken. 

We benefit deeply when we are with people who challenge our thinking, have a different frame of reference, and different strengths. The key, according to the authors is celebrate each other's strengths, not weaknesses. We're all human. No one is perfect. So don't focus on the imperfections, instead, focus on the strengths.

So how does this play out in a group? I think we have to embrace humor and grace when we are in a group with people who are different. Instead of convincing people to act and think like us, seek to understand them. Ask questions and follow up questions. The best discussions happen when people know they will be accepted even when sharing their true thoughts and opinions. As group leaders, we can encourage honesty and then thank our group when they share it.

Acceptance, it's a core truth in business partnerships and small groups.

The Importance of Trust

A healthy group is rooted in trust. This is very obvious. If you mess this one up and break trust it's hard to sew the group back together. In The Power of 2 Wagner and Muller explain that Trust is pivotal for for strong partnerships to endure. For them, trust is more than the keeping of confidences. "Every partner needs to be able to depend on his counterpart." Wagner and Muller go on to explain that a community thrives when partners can count on each other to be there for them. 

There are a few simple implications for groups:

1. It should be a given that what is said within the group stays within the group
2. That assumption should be spoken up front and occasionally repeated within the group
3. Group members should also "be there" for one another and feel comfortable relaying on each other

So here's a couple of questions for your group:

• Do members share openly and honestly?  
• Do members call on each other for help? 

A Common Mission - Missional Small Groups - in The Power of 2

Over the last few weeks I've been drawing small group principles from one of my new favorite books, The Power of 2: How to make the Most of Your Partnerships at Work and in Life. In chapter two Rodd Wagner and Gale Muller discuss how important it is for successful partnerships to share a common mission. The authors explain that relationships often gel around shared common goals, purpose, and mission. It makes sense, doesn't it? Think about your group experiences. If you pursue a shared goal with the other people in your group it will draw you closer. 

Usually when we use the term "missional" small groups we mean that they do something to serve others. That's not necessarily what Wagner and Muller are saying. For a small group the common mission might be to learn a new piece of truth, like biblical stewardship or Christian marriage for example. The mission might be to build relationships and forge friendships. 

However, a healthy group doesn't have to share common MOTIVES for the goal. "Successful partners often have different motivations for making the climb." The authors claim. Let's say the goal is to learn to handle money more wisely. One person in the group might share that goal but be motived because he is facing a personal financial challenges. Another person might share that goal but she is motivated by a desire to learn some new information (because she is a knowledge junkie). And still another person shares the goal but he is motived by a desire to walk in complete obedience to Christ and this will help him get there. All are different motives but all share the same goal. So don't worry about the various motives represented in your group. Instead, think about the goal(s)!

So here's some questions for your group to discuss:

• What's our goal? 
• What's our purpose? 
• What's our mission?